i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
