i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
