i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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