I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Randomize
