Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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