I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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