What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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