I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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