I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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