when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
