she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
