You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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