I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
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You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
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i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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