the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
