i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
