You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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