I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
