Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
