My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
