So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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