I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
