this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
