Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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