Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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