I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Your cock deserves a montage
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
