I'm gonna have a badass scar
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
