just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize