Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
