My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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