my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
