Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
