Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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