Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
