wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
