those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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