Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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