Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
