piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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