if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
