if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
