She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
