the condom got lost in my hair
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
