There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
