I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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