Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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