I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
