sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
