First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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