Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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