my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
