Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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