what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
