capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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