Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
