The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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