It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
