Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Come share oat with me in your robe
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
