I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
