do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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