that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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